Posted by: tlnemethy | February 14, 2015

The Diagnosis

You know that slight shushing sound when you get a perfect bridge while shuffling a deck of cards? The little sliding sound when each card gets zippered into the deck? Sitting in the doctor’s office I could swear I heard that sound as she told me what it sounded like to her. I felt good, not because I had it, but because I put it together. I pretty much had a good idea before I even went in, thank you web MD. I didn’t even really care what it meant, it sounded pretty cut and dry to me and honestly the doctor didn’t seem to make a big deal out of it.

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Nearly every symptom was spot on. I’d solved the riddle, she was just confirming my answer.

It’s been a few weeks now and I’m still plugging in the data. The muscle tremors, heart palpitations, blurred vision. That time at camp I felt dizzy and my legs wouldn’t hold me up, again in college, high school, middle school. I remember the episodes distinctly though I’d always attributed them to something else, to a fluke, to being overtired.

Shushhhhhh.

Now that it’s been a few weeks I’m getting pissed. Really pissed. There are certain criteria I had for my future and I was going to make it happen. I was gonna form myself into what I wanted. But that was back when I had nothing working against me. Now I can tally up all the good I’m doing in my life, all the working out and eating pretty healthy, the not drinking to excess, this and this and this and this. Good thing I have. It’s probably kept me from showing too many symptoms so far. But I’m still really mad because with all the work I’ve been doing it doesn’t really ever show. All I can do is maintain what I am now. But hell, my genes, my environment, even my job all stack against me. Did you know that sitting at a desk for 40 hours a week can royally screw you over health wise in the long run? Yeah.

Let me just fit in the exercise regimen of an Olympic athlete in my spare time. Because really that’s what it takes to combat this shit. One cheat day isn’t allowed. Exercise must be constant. Push, push, push. Gaining any weight or being too sedentary will just complicate things. Interestingly enough, the medication used to combat this shit has been known to make you GAIN WEIGHT. So you mean to say that in order to not have all the symptoms get worse I have to let at least one of them get worse? No. This is ridiculous.

Let me just list a few of the symptoms associated with this shit.

  • infertility (honestly this is the least of my worries)
  • ovarian cysts
  • increased hairiness (what the fuck, yes I always wanted to be a werewolf)
  • male pattern baldness (so I become hairy everywhere but my head? that is a particular form of messed up)
  • anxiety
  • sleep apnea
  • mystery periods
  • weight gain
  • diabetes
  • certain cancers

Well don’t mind me. I’m just over here trying not to turn into a fuckin’ yeti.


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