Posted by: tlnemethy | September 23, 2014

The Demotivational Runner

I’ve started running. By that I mean I’ve gone once. Yesterday, specifically.

The autumn weather is probably the best time for me to want to be doing anything outside. The leaves are crunchy to run through and I can wear a sweatshirt without overheating, but I don’t need gloves yet. If I could just bottle this climate I’d be a fitness guru. Maybe I’ll just be a halfer. Working out in the fall and the spring when I want most to be outside. The fall is inspiring the deep desire to remain outdoors at all times because I know soon enough the winter will come and turn me into a hibernating bear. A grumpy bear at that. I guess the same goes for spring, really. After you’ve been cooped up so long inside you’d give anything to go outside and run around without dodging snowdrifts or ice slicks.

You know those pictures of girls running through a tunnel of fall foliage? Their hair is probably in a nice, but fashionable pony tail or tucked under a ballcap (let’s not forget the adorbs wisps of hair that have come loose). This girl looks like a motivational poster. She’s probably smiling, has a long stride and might even have a cute dog also in mid stride next to her. The dog’s tongue will be out, but he’s turned back to look at her, definitely admiring how flawless she is.

This is a lie.

I’ve tried to recreate portions of this scenario and failed miserably.

Sure it starts out well. I’ve got my ballcap on and dressed like a runner, there’s even a smile on my face. This is going well, I say. I’ve got a leash in my hand, but unlike the dog in the picture mine is frenzied with being outside. There’s no slack in the line. My shoulders have hunched over my feet by a good angle, mostly it looks like I’m about to trip, to be bowled over by the pure excitement in my beast of a dog. But this is fun. I’m laughing. Grimm is honking her deep raspy breath as she struggles against my sloth, but it makes me run faster.

We get into a rhythm. She wants to run at the end of her lead, but once she’s there she stops pulling so hard. We’re going good. We’ve made it out of the parking areas and residences and have hit the actual trail. Grimm slows to sniff some unknown scent and I keep running. I bark out her name real quick. It’s what I do when she running too fast towards the end of her lead so she knows there’s gonna be a jolt. Usually it gets her to stay with me. Usually. This time I screech to a halt as she digs in her heels and continues sniffing. Time for a breather anyways.

We continue on. I reel her in a few times when there are other people walking or running or when she circles around a telephone pole and we get hung up. Overall I’m not minding this jaunt.

Then she sees a rabbit and bolts to the bush it disappeared into. She also disappears. I hear a bunch of rustling and see the rabbit escape the other side. My dumb dog is still inside and when she emerges she’s covered head to tail in stickers, the forked ones that embed in your skin and stick to everything. I spend ten minutes picking them out of her fur, her face looks like she got hit by a porcupine.

Passersby are judging us. We don’t look like the motivational running poster; the dog on my leash is frothing at the mouth in search of a rabbit that she never would have caught and my legs are now covered in stickers that she transferred to me. Time to do it again.


  1. Good luck with future runs 🙂

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