Posted by: tlnemethy | December 10, 2012

Ridiculous Fears, Vol. 1 (I’m sure)

  1. Foods shaped like other foods: Gummy Burgers, dolphins, fish, bloody fingers, etc. No thank you. I prefer my foods to either look like what they once were (fish fillets) or extremely processed (burgers). None of this eating a tofu turkey for me. If it looks like a turkey it damn well should be a turkey. Don’t confuse me. Besides, eating some of these “funny” shaped foods is just plain disturbing. Using a bendy straw to make jello worms is just nasty. You want a worm? Find it outside.
  2. Children: I go into some sort of weird overprotective mode when I’m alone with a child. Like don’t go anywhere near those stairs or the kitchen or anywhere besides the couch. Sit still. Your parents most likely want you to remain alive while you are under my watch. And even when the parents are there, but OBVIOUSLY not watching their child, I get a horrible cramp every time I see that kid wander towards the scissors or start running around the end tables. Seriously. I know Darwinism is pretty well instituted, but you shouldn’t be trying to kill off your own offspring.
  3. Drains: I blame this fear on Goosebumps books and the TV show Are You Afraid of the Dark?There was some sort of episode where a drain monster came out of the deep end of the school’s swimming pool and kept dragging kids down to the bottom. EVER SINCE THAT EPISODE I FEAR SWIMMING POOLS. It doesn’t help that you always hear of kids drowning because their hair gets stuck in the filter/drain/sucky vent thing. You know how in movie theater previews the mystical voice always says to locate your nearest emergency exit? Well, I locate every pool drain before I dip a single toe in. Then I float at the opposite end of the pool.
  4. Feet: This is a biggie. My feet may be attractive enough (for feet) but I definitely don’t want you looking at them. Sure, show off your own feet, I can even touch your feet, but don’t you dare come near mine. Seriously. I will get extremely embarrassed and upset. Our friendship will most likely end. No pedicures for me, and very rarely do I wear flip  flops. Also, I have a sub fear that the bottom of my feet will get sun burned. Legitimate enough of a fear to over cook my front half or put my flip flops back on and risk flop tan lines. Another sub fear feet-wise is watching sex scenes in which the man leaves his socks on. Please. If you are gonna have sex remove your socks. How rude. And guys always have those awkwardly shaped, over-used, slouchy long socks that are never the same height for each leg. Even them out or remove them. It can’t be that much of a hardship to bend over and take them off.
  5. An Embarrassing Death: If I’m going to kick the bucket I really have no problem with that. If its my time, its my time. But if I so happen to die on the toilet or half-dressed slumped in the tub I WILL come back as a ghost. Mostly to haunt myself I suppose, to just have an eternity to rethink going to the bathroom at the precise moment. I guess I’d just rather my corpse be mildly attractive. Not that I’m condoning necrophilia or anything, but I’d rather not have my body discovered in an undesirable situation or space. Scratching my ass perhaps, or with awkward tan lines or even with barbecue sauce on my chin. No thank you. Just sheer stubborn will keeps me from dying awkwardly.

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