Posted by: tlnemethy | June 28, 2012

Gloomy Clouds

I have never been so disappointed in my entire life. Planning can only get you so far I guess, and then you just have to go with the flow. I’ve never been a stranger to spontaneity, but this summer has definitely been my most off the cuff. I suppose that living off the cuff is a privilege I haven’t yet earned, but if I don’t earn that by the end of this miserable job I’ll definitely be making some waves somewhere. Let’s hope that vagabonding comes back into style, because that seems to be the place I’m headed. Maybe I should just claim a park bench somewhere, or one of those tubes they let children crawl through in parks. At least the tube would be sheltered, and I’m pretty good at the fetal position.

I don’t think I’ve ever been as close to a mental break as I have tonight. I laughed uncontrollably until the laughter distorted into these awkward tears of frustration. I alternated between the two for almost ten minutes before I calmed down enough to regret my occupational decision  without having a fit. That’s why you shouldn’t think too far ahead I suppose. Because you can never take into account all the factors influencing the outcome. I’d made plans and searched airfare, thought of adventure and a new setting for my blog, a new hustle and bustle that, even if I truly hated it, would only last a month. A month is the perfect time frame for new experiences. You are just getting over that honeymoon period and finally realize what situation you’ve gotten yourself into; that’s a month of novelty tempered with a short grace period of WTF.

What do I want from my life? Maybe a personal success story. It doesn’t have to be huge, just something I can look back on while I’m all crazy and obnoxiously geriatric. Something I can tell to my circle of wheelchair peeps that will make someone spit out their teeth. That’s really all I want. I want the experiences that I can share, the experiences that are extraordinary or dull, hilarious or even just different. I’m a storyteller. And what is a story teller if no one hears the yarns?Unravel me and all you will find is a simple machine, a recorder that plays back when the motion detector goes off. I’ll talk to anyone, anywhere, and if we hit it off, I’ll let you know my stories. Just please tell me yours, because at this point mine would just leave you with no sense of enjoyment. And really, that shouldn’t be the case. In a place like Sitka, there are wonders all around you, but sometimes those dark clouds make them seem ominous when they’re really welcoming endeavors. Who knows where I’ll end up or what I’ll be doing, but it damn well will be something I can look back on and make you feel it as I did.

I must be on the path to transcendence. And if not, I’m confident I won’t be coming back as a snail for the shit I’ve put up with here. No downgrades for me because I’m gonna earn my rank.

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